Fears Let Go
by CalPal052699
Summary: When Kate realizes something, it brings up fears she had tried to push down for years. When she tells Rick everything, he helps her let those same fears go.


"Hi, Ryan, Espo" she said as she speed walked between the desks.

She was at the precinct, at work, and thankful that Castle had taken the day to write instead of shadowing her, because she had a dilemma... that needed... confirmation and that was needed without him. She ignored Ryan and Esposito's returned welcome as she walked by other desks. She ignored everyone else, too, needing to see one person. And that person was not any of the detectives sitting at their desks, but- She pushed open the door to the morgue, where the corpse of their latest victim, Mark Yates, laid before her. But he wasn't who she needed to see. She wasn't on any mission for facts or evidence or information about a case. She wasn't in homicide detective mode, but in newlywed and possibly... with child... mode.

"Lanie! I need to talk to you" she almost yelled when she saw her friend there, typing away on the morgue's computer. The dark haired medical examiner turned in her office chair to face the detective standing in front of the once again closed door.

"Hi, Kate. What can I do for you?" she asked, the tone of her voice making it obvious that she knew the sudden arrival of her friend had nothing to do with the case at hand.

"I..." she began, but stopped there, the words freezing in her throat, forming a lump she couldn't get anything around, rendering her unable to continue, or to say anything else.

Kate was there in need of her friend, because she didn't know what to do. She knew one thing though, and that was what the internet told her. She had been feeling... off for a few days. At first, it seemed like nothing. A slight stomach ache and fatigue, which could easily be attributed to lack of sleep, and food, and the effects of going back to work after a week-and-a-half off - which she spent enjoying her last few days of not-married life - not that she was regretting getting engaged, or the fact that she was about to marry the love of her life - and then getting married, and then enjoying her honeymoon with Castle. And then she realized something else: she had missed her period. It was only one week, and it had happened before, but she wasn't particularly stressed, or doing anything that would cause her cycle to change, except for one possibility. She knew what that possibility was, but she looked it up anyway, if only to see the words on her computer screen, to confirm what was common knowledge to most women. A missed period, fatigue, a stomach ache, they could all be linked to one common cause. And that common cause was quite possible for Kate, with the about of time she'd spent in the bedroom with her husband over their week long trip to celebrate the beginning of their marriage, and pretty much every night since. So, yes, it was possible. More than possible, even. Probably quick likely, but she couldn't bring herself to go to the drugstore and buy the test, much less take one. So, there she was, standing in the morgue, unable to speak to tell her friend what was weighing on her mind.

Right, Lanie. Lanie was sitting there, watching her as she let her mind run wild. Sure enough, when Kate looked up, she saw her friends big brown eyes looking back at her, questioningly yet almost knowingly. She sighed loudly and leaned back against the door frame.

"So, Kate, anything I can do for you?" asked Lanie, a teasing hint to her voice. "You must've come in like that for some reason" she added, the hint of laughter remaining as she spoke. Kate looked down shyly before moving her gaze back up to meet her friend's.

"I..." she trailed again, and took a deep breath. "I think I..." She closed her eyes tightly and took another deep breath, wondering why the words were so hard to utter out. "I think I might be... pregnant" The last word was so soft and shaky she barely recognized her own voice as she said it, nor the fear she felt as she muttered it so softly she wondered if Lanie would even catch it.

"Pregnant?" she asked, making Kate nod as her gaze dropped to the tiled floor whose design she examined, an excuse her mind made up so she wouldn't have to meet Lanie's eyes. "Girl, you have to take a test and find out for sure"

"I know" said Kate. It came out as a whimper, almost like when you tell a little kid it's time for bed. It was a whimper filled with fear, though, rather than sadness.

"You don't have a test, though, do you?" asked Lanie. Kate shook her head, eyes still locked on the intricate, unique pattern of the tile. She heard a drawer open, but didn't bother to look up. "Kate" said Lanie, making her look up only to be thrown a small package. She looked down at the package she had caught on instinct and then back at her friend.

"Why do you have pregnancy tests sitting in that drawer?" she asked. Lanie just shrugged, but if Kate was less focused on her possible pregnancy, she wouldn't of gotten away with it that easily.

"Just go take the damn thing"

Kate listened, giving Lanie a small smile of thanks as she tucked the test into her jacket to hide it before turning and leaving the morgue. As she walked by their desks, she was addressed by Espo and Ryan again, but she just told them she'd be out for a few minutes and kept walking. She went directly to the elevator, hit the button to call it and was thankful when it arrived quickly, glad she could avoid any further questioning from the boys. She went one floor lower, where less people knew her and escaped to the washroom, opting to use the handicap and family one for more privacy. She took the test quickly and stood there for the required three minutes, tapping her foot against the tile floor impatiently. But, when she saw the hand on her watch moved, telling her it had been a full three minutes, she wanted to stare at the floor and examine that tile as well, only to avoid checking the result of the test that could've changed her life forever. But, some second instinct in her, a more curious side, an almost hopeful side, had her reaching out for the white stick sitting on the sink's vanity. And then it had her looking down at it. And then she gasped, and cried - tears of so many mixed emotions she couldn't keep track of, so she just stood there and cried.

It was minutes - long minutes filled with tears and conflicting feelings - until she stopped crying. When she finally did, though, she stuffed the test back into her jacket, threw out the package and everything and quickly left the bathroom, desperate not to be noticed by anyone who might've seen her go in at least ten minutes earlier. She hopped in the elevator, once again glad it arrived quickly. Using her slightly blurry reflection in the metal doors, she tried to fix her appearance, tried to make herself look a little more presentable, tried to make sure the boys wouldn't notice. When the elevator dinged, announcing the arrival at her floor, she stood up straighter before walking out, chin held high like it usually was. That time, as she quickly walked by her desks, Ryan and Esposito simply shot her questioning looks, which she ignored, making her way to the morgue again. As soon as she pushed the door open, Lanie turned her chair.

"Took you a while" she said teasingly, but as soon as she saw Kate's face she knew it wasn't time for teasing. She stood up and walked over to her friend, placing a hand on her upper arm in support. "Kate, what happened? What's the result?" she asked softly, sweetly. Kate reached into her jacket and pulled out the pregnancy test, handing it to Lanie. "Kate, it's positive. That's good, right?" she asked, and when Kate shrugged in response, she knew her friend needed someone to talk to. "Kate?"

Kate let out a loud sigh. Truth be told, she didn't know if it was good or not. She and Castle hadn't talked much about children, except a few short conversation where they simply said they would have children, like it wasn't even a question. But those little comments, short conversations were nothing really. They never truly discussed wanting kids, and if so, when they'd want a baby.

"Kate?" Lanie's voice broke her thoughts once again. She looked up and met her friends worried gaze, and then let Lanie lead her to the office chair, where she sat down. "What's wrong, Kate?" She swallowed hard, took a deep breath - in through the nose, out through the mouth - and locked eyes with Lanie.

"What if Castle doesn't want the baby?" she mumbled, a silent tear running down her cheek. She had no idea why she was so scared he'd turn away their child, but she was, even though he was the most loving father she had ever seen. Lanie's hand found her arm again, where it ran up and down softly in attempt to comfort her.

"Why would Castle not want your baby, Kate?" she asked softly. "He loves kids. Remember when he took in Benny? And you see him with Alexis, Kate. He loves his daughter. Why would this baby be any different?" Kate shrugged, her eyes shifting off her friends and down to the tile floor again.

"I just... We never talked about it" she answered. "I mean, we mentioned it every now and then but we never sat down and really talked about it" she elaborated.

"Come on, Kate. You and I both know both you and Castle wanted a baby" said Lanie. "There's something else going on here" Kate bit her lower lip and nodded. "Listen, girl. I won't make you tell me, but you should tell him, no matter what this other issue is" she said. Kate nodded again, knowing her friend was right. She would have to tell Castle what was truly eating her up inside. The fear that was truly consuming her, rather than the story that was only half-true. She'd have to tell him that she was scared her child would lose their mother, like she had.

* * *

That evening, Kate got to the loft even more scared than when the test turned back positive. She was planning on going to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed before she told Castle everything, but Lanie had decided she'd do the blood test herself. And, since Lanie confirmed what Kate already knew, the fact that she was definitely pregnant was weighing on her mind, and she suddenly felt the urge to blurt it out to everyone - an urge she thankfully ignored, because Castle deserved to know before Ryan, Espo and Gates. So, when she walked into the loft to the smell of dinner being cooked by her lovely husband, and to see him watching her from behind the kitchen's island with a smile on his face, she had to, once again, suppress the urge to just blurt it out, because, even though the conversation would also involve talk of her biggest fear, she wanted the moment where he found out he was going to be a dad to be special for the both of them. Thus, instead of blurting it out, she smiled back at him shyly.

Once she had stripped herself of her boots and coat, she made her way to the kitchen and stood on the opposite side of the island. On instinct, they both leaned in and their lips met in a soft, sweet, simple kiss, like the ones they exchanged every evening after they spent the day apart and every morning before they separated for the day. She smiled at him as she pulled away, as did he before he went back to chopping tomatoes.

"How was work?" he asked, his eyes on the red fruit he was cutting into cubes so he missed the way her jaw briefly clenched as she once again found herself trying to hold back the two words that were trying to jump from her throat.

"Boring" she said after a short silence. "It was just a bunch of paperwork" she added, though it was a half-lie. That had certainly been one of her most eventful 'paperwork days' ever. After all, it wasn't everyday you found out you were pregnant. "Whatcha making?" she asked after a while had gone by and he hadn't answered.

"Pasta sauce" he answered as he finished cutting the tomatoes and moved to slip them off the cutting board and into the sauce pan where at least a can of store-bought pasta sauce was already brewing. "Spaghetti sound good?" She smiled and nodded, letting him lean over to kiss her again.

* * *

About a half hour later, he brought two plates of spaghetti into the living room, where they usually ate when they were just the two of them at home. She sat on the couch, angled towards him, feet pulled up underneath her, dinner plate in on hand, fork in the other. He sat next to her, both feet on the ground, plate in lap, fork in hand. She watched him take his first bite, and then she did the same. Her mind drifted to images of them months later, doing exactly that with a baby sleeping in a room upstairs, or in a playpen in the corner, or in a swing nearby, or with only one of them eating while the other fed their child milk from a bottle. She found herself smiling as images of a baby, dressed in yellow PJs, with her hair and his eyes, looking up at her as it sucked on the nipple of its bottle, big blue eyes full of awe. And then another image flashed before her eyes: Castle, holding an eight-month-old baby - once again wearing yellow - in his arms, as the baby rested their head against their fathers shoulder as they drifted off to sleep. And another: Castle laying on the couch, a baby curled into a ball laying against his chest. She found herself smiling at the thoughts, until another flashed through her mind, an unpleasant one: Castle, holding a one-year-old in his arms, Ryan in the loft's living room, telling Castle and their child that she would never come home, ever, and Castle crying as he held the baby close to him. And another: Castle explaining to the same one-year-old, now alone in the loft, left with his grief and tears and their child who would have to grow up motherless. The image, and the sadness of it, and the possibility of it hit her so hard she dropped her fork.

The sound of metal hitting hardwood echoed through the apartment as his worried gaze landed on her, and as her sight was blurred by the tears that were welling up in her eyes. He moved to put his plate on the table in front of him, his other hand instantly reaching out to her. He pulled her to him, pulled her tear stained face to his neck, where she buried it. His arms circled her back as he held her to him, her hands reaching up to grip at the material of his shirt covering his shoulders.

"Kate... Shh... Kate" he murmured to her, into her ear, his fingers rubbing up and down her back. "Kate, honey, what's wrong?" he whispered to her, his arms still holding her tight. She let out a sob-induced cough against his neck, as soon as she opened her mouth to answer, and then gripped his shirt tighter with her fists. She stayed there for minutes, gripping his shirt, him holding her, sobbing into the crook of his neck, before she was able to choke out two words, but not the two she intended on.

"I'm scared" it came out as a whimper between her choking sobs.

"Scared of what, Kate? I need you to tell me what's scaring you" he told her, his voice soft with understanding, sweet with love. She tightened her grip on him again, before pulling away slightly to look him in the eyes. His eyes were glistening slightly with small unshed tears, tears brought on by her own.

"That they'll take me from you guys" she mumbled, her eyes locked on his by some force that wouldn't allow her to shift her gaze. More tears were rolling down her cheeks, but those ones were silent, her sobs calmed by the love in his blue eyes. "Like they took my mom from me and my dad" she added, trying to hold back another round of sobs at the painful memories.

"Kate" he said, soft and full of sympathy. He pulled her back into a tight hug, her face once again landing in the crook of his neck. "What brought this on?" he asked.

Sometimes, she found that comment rude, but in that moment she knew exactly what he meant. She never admitted to fearing her death, to fearing the danger of her job, because she didn't fear it, not until Castle. But, even then, she knew he'd be okay without her, but a baby, that changed everything. Not only would she be putting their child at risk while she was pregnant, but she'd be risking putting her child through exactly what she went through, every single time she went to work. She found herself pulling away from his neck, though, because she knew the answer to his question was one she didn't want to mumble into his neck. Their eyes locked again, teary blue on teary green, and she felt the two words right on the tip of her tongue until she was finally able to get them out.

"I'm pregnant" As soon as the words tumbled from her mouth and into the air surrounding them, his eyes widened. His left hand drifted from her back to her flat stomach - a movement she wasn't sure if he knew he had done or not.

"We're having a baby?" he asked, the awe, showing in his still-widened eyes, dripping from his voice. She nodded. "And you're scared that... if you die... you'll leave our child... without a mom... like you were" he stated. She could tell he had chosen his words carefully, and silently thanked him for it. She nodded. "Oh, Kate..." he pulled her back into a hug, one she happily accepted as she realized her tears were drying. "Listen to me, Kate" he whispered into her ear. She nodded, her face rubbing against his slightly. "You are pregnant, with our baby" he began, his voice already thick with emotion. "You will have our baby, and it'll be a perfect, healthy baby. And then, we're going to bring our baby back home, here, and we're gonna take care of him or her and keep them happy and healthy and safe. And we're going to raise our child together, Kate, and maybe we'll have more kids, and you'll be there to raise all of them" he said, his words causing more silent tears to roll down her cheeks, tears of joy as she imagined doing exactly what he was whispering into her ear, with him. "And it'll be perfect" At those last words, she pulled her ear away from his mouth and pressed her lips to his, hard and happy and loving. When she pulled away, a smile spread across her face, she rested her forehead against his. "Okay? It'll all be okay. You'll be here for our baby" he whispered to her. She nodded slightly, not wanting to break the contact of their foreheads.

"I will" she whispered. "We're having a baby, Rick"


End file.
